I’d like to talk a little bit about consent here. Consent is the foundation of the BDSM community. Safe, sane & consensual…risk aware consensual kink….it’s all consent and it’s what the kink community spends so much time talking about, teaching and policing. What is consent? It means to voluntarily communicate “yes” in a situation. Voluntarily means without coercion and on your own terms. Not a difficult concept to understand but still very difficult to achieve for some. Why? Well, society doesn’t raise us to freely talk about sex, let alone kink. We are taught to communicate without speaking during sex. Body language, eyes, sounds, anything besides actually saying the words to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t. This furthers a “take what you can” mentality. Then we see women being assaulted or date-raped and wonder how that could happen. It’s time for us to stand up and say stop. This is mine and I will give you permission to touch when I am ready.
The BDSM community (for the most part) sets an example of positive communication and agreement that society needs to learn from. Talking about what you are and are not comfortable with trying and having “safe” words to communicate when enough is enough may help us all in our relationships. The big picture here is that when you say stop, even if you previously said go, it means stop!
So, go out there and explore. Try new things. Retry old things. Find lovers who understand consent and work on your communication skills together. You’re about to have an awesome time!
If you have been out of the dating world for some time, a lot has changed. Certainly how you meet people has changed – now so easy via apps and your smartphone. Another thing that I’ve noticed is that there is a lot more exploration going on, in terms of sexual experimentation. And it can all be interesting and potentially fun to explore as long as you have the knowledge you need to make decisions and the knowledge required to be safe. It’s one of the big reasons Cheryl and I included an Alternative Sex module in our online workshop about sex and dating as older women. I promise you will meet someone who is into some things you may have not tried. And it’s your job to be informed enough to make choices.
One big piece of education is that people who explore kink in their relationships also have some of the best communication. This is something I had never thought about in my years of married, vanilla sex but without divulging too much information I can tell you that it is true (and I wrote more a couple weeks ago over at my blog) . And that you can reach new levels, even as a person and certainly in your relationship if you are exploring some alternative things, for example, blindfolding, restraints, maybe a little whipping. Anal play.
This doesn’t happen in every relationship and it doesn’t have to happen in any of your relationships. You are in control and make choices about your sex life. I am only telling you that the more you know, the better equipped you will be to make these choices. Trust me.
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